The Unhappy Hooker



by Phyllis Nicholas



The rumble of traffic was deafening. Dust and exhaust fumes stung my 
eyes as I leaned against a telephone pole. Four o'clock on Tuesday 
afternoon; I hadn't had a bath in days.

If I don't get a trick soon, I thought, I'll be a dead duck.

At age 19, I was already hopelessly strung out on heroin. My family had 
all but deserted me. I was the world's worst hooker.

"Oh God, how did I get here?" I moaned. I was determined not to cry, 
because my little boy, Billy, was probably at home crying his heart out 
right now. Paul, my pimp/husband, would kill me or at least try to if I 
didn't bring home some money.

"Oh God, please help me!" I fought back the tears and planted myself on 
a nearby bus stop bench. As the sun went down, I felt the cold sweats 
coming on. I needed some dope soon or I wouldn't be able to work at all. 
This was the common predicament: Get a fix so you could get out on the 
streets to sell your body to get another fix. The problem was that it 
invariably got worse, never better. With all the hazards -- the cops, 
the nuts, the occasional rip-off -- life was not worth living. It wasn't 
worth dying for either.



Losing faith

As a child, I learned to love God and the Bible, but somewhere along the 
way I got lost and turned to drugs. It broke my father's heart when I 
married Paul, a junkie from New York City. After two years of marriage, 
hopeless poverty, and the birth of my son, he walked out on us.

I decided to turn my son over to my parents and try to kick heroin. I 
went to drug treatment programs, recovery homes, hospitals, and 
psychiatrists. Nothing helped. I desperately wanted to change but 
couldn't find anyone or anything to help me.



Hopelessness

In this hopeless state I shot more dope to ease the guilt and pain. 
Often I'd go to bed in some cheap motel room, hoping to die during the 
night. That way I wouldn't have to face another day on the streets 
trying to sell myself for another fix.

I overdosed many times, but by some miracle my life was spared. Paul 
used his fists on me as a motivational tactic. I suffered from severe 
malnutrition. Infections roared through my body from using dirty 
needles. Still, I survived.

Once when I was with some acquaintances on a drug run, our Volkswagen 
was broadsided by a big Ford Ranchero. I was knocked unconscious and all 
my friends had broken bones. The passenger in the front seat was crushed 
almost to death, while I suffered only a skinned knee. Why was I still 
alive?



Partners in pain

One day while in another drug recovery house, I met Patrick. He 
strengthened me with the love I had so hungered for, but he too was a 
slave to drugs. For thirteen years we struggled together to free 
ourselves from addiction. In and out of prisons, from one treatment to 
another, we would always find ourselves worse off than before.

The night Patrick was released from San Quentin we holed ourselves up in 
a ratty hotel, shooting heroin and cocaine. For some reason Patrick 
began telling me how he had read the entire Bible while doing his time. 
Then after a long silence he looked at me with an unusual light in his 
eyes. "I'm gonna see my Lord. I'm gonna walk hand-in-hand with Jesus."

I considered his sunken face and his gaunt frame. His eyes were deep 
blue pools of misery. But somewhere deep down inside I felt a tiny 
glimmer of hope.



Busted

A loud slamming split the silence. Two cops busted down the door, 
handcuffed us, and took us off to jail.

The jail was cold and crowded. I stood for hours in a holding cell 
filled with smoking, spitting, angry females. Eventually I was assigned 
to a dormitory and a bunk.

Days later I got a phone call. The voice on the other end said, "Patrick 
was released from jail two days ago. This morning the police found him 
dead down by a creek with a needle still in his arm."

My knees buckled; I went into shock.



A voice from the gloom

I don't remember being released from jail. I found myself walking the 
streets again, confused and desperate. My clothes were wrinkled and 
dirty; I had lost my shoes somewhere.

I was mad. I raced to consume as much dope as I could, but couldn't seem 
to kill the pain anymore. My heart turned to stone as I drove myself to 
make more money. One evening I came across a silver Porsche. The driver 
was drunk, so I stole the money in his pockets. Counting hundred dollar 
bills, I told myself, Tomorrow I'm gonna get me a real good fix.

At midnight I knocked on a friend's door, begging shelter for the night. 
A voice from behind the door yelled, "Go away! We don't want you around 
here anymore!"

I walked down the dark street alone, my bare feet slapping the pavement.

Then from behind me I heard a voice call my name: "Phyllis, I'm going to 
save you."

I turned to look, but in the gloom I saw no one.



A revolving door

I spent the night in a sleeping bag down by the creek. When the sun 
broke through the trees the next morning, I was already on my way back 
from the connection's house across the freeway. From the overpass I 
spied the burnt-out wreck of an old Volkswagen in the vacant lot below. 
Pat and I had often gone there to fix.

I climbed through the hole in the fence, pushed my way through the 
bushes, and climbed into the car. The sun beat down on the dusty 
windshield as the aroma of cooking heroin filled my head. My hands shook 
as I drew up the dope into the syringe. "I wonder what it's like to 
die?" I whispered.

Poising the needle over a good vein, I suddenly found myself being 
throttled by a big arm. The cop dragged me kicking and screaming from 
the car. My last fix fell into the dirt.

>From the back seat of the patrol car, I watched those shabby streets 
pass by, one by one. The name of Jesus brushed across my lips.



The Book

In the dorm I braced myself for weeks of sleepless agony. Opening the 
drawer of a metal locker near my bed, I found an old beat-up Bible. I 
pulled it out and tried to read, but my anxiety was mounting. I was so 
weak from not getting a fix. Disgusting scenes flooded my mind: my 
mother's disappointment, my father, and my little boy. All those people 
I had hurt. . . .

Anguish ripped deep into my heart. I remembered how I had loved the 
Bible as a child, but nothing made any sense at all. I began to cry.



The messenger

I knew that somehow this old Book held my answer, but bitter tears 
clouded my vision. My heart ached with every breath. "Oh God, what have 
I done?"

When I looked up, a lady was standing at the foot of my bed. I guessed 
she was a chaplain. She never said a word as she approached me and 
reached for my Bible. I handed it to her, apologizing for the mess I'd 
made of it. She took it from my hands and silently turned the pages. 
Then, she placed it gently back on my pillow, laying her finger on Psalm 
40.

I began to read:


I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me, and heard my 
cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, 
and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new 
song in my mouth -- praise to our God; many shall see it and fear, and 
will put their trust in the LORD (Psalm 40:1-3, NKJV).




The miracle

I don't know what happened after that. I didn't see the woman go. I only 
know that the next morning I awoke from a deep, peaceful sleep. I was 
totally healed -- no pain. I felt amazing vitality in my body. The 
tormenting blackness of over 15 years of heroin addiction was gone. What 
so many doctors, psychiatrists, and treatments could not cure, God 
healed in a moment.

I was ecstatic. "God, thank You! I love You. I'm so sorry for being such 
a horrible person. Please God, if You can forgive me, I'll make it up to 
You somehow. I'll tell the world what You've done for me."

>From that moment, I immersed myself in the Bible. God became my closest 
friend. If I wasn't talking to Him, I was telling anyone who would 
listen about how He set me free.

When my mother came to visit me in the jail, tears filled her eyes. 
Little Billy was jumping up and down on her lap, pressing his nose 
against the glass partition.

"Phyllis, I haven't seen you like this in years," my mother said. "Your 
face is glowing. You used to look like death most of the time. I can't 
quite explain it; you just look so . . . alive, so different!"

Mom wept and so did I. "I don't know how to explain it either, Mom. I 
only know that God has healed me and that I'm never going back to that 
hell again."



Blessings in jail

God blessed my time at the jail. Soon several women scrounged up Bibles. 
At night after supper we'd sit on the floor between bunks to read the 
Bible and sing.

On the weekend I attended church service given by the men's chaplain. 
Afterward I ran up to him and asked, "Can you please tell me the name of 
the lady that works here? I need to thank her for the incredible way 
she's helped me."

He looked at me through his spectacles. "I'm sorry young lady, but I 
haven't hadhad any help here for over ten year

The next day, determined to find the lady, I checked with the desk 
sergeants on every shift. The answer was always the same: "We don't show 
anybody fitting that description. If she came in here, she'd be in the 
computer."

That night, with my hopes dampened, I prayed, "God what's going on here? 
I've done everything I know to do."

I flipped open my Bible and started reading about Peter in prison. An 
angel set him free but he didn't realize it until he was walking down 
the street, a free man. I then understood that God had sent a messenger 
to me to point me to freedom.



A lasting freedom

It was hard to leave those women behind when my release date finally 
arrived, but at least they had their Bibles. The Bible I had read was 
still in the drawer by my old bed, waiting for the woman who would take 
my place.

God made sure I survived my brushes with death so I could come to know 
Him. He has given me a wonderful husband and family to fulfill the love 
I'd hungered for. I don't have to sell my body to survive. Instead I 
live in God's unconditional love for me, telling others what He's done 
in my life. Because of this I find new treasures, new adventures, and 
new strength to face tomorrow.

Tract No. 39A
Contact us at WJoKrow@aol.com or Phyllis at wilnphyl@dnc.net
